Tuesday, February 15, 2005

A Deep Burning Sensation

It was May 1, 2004 when Dairy Queen first unleashed the hounds.
Something new was about to slap the market and unsuspecting America was still sleeping. While the stomachs of millions snored loudly in hunger, an informed sub-culture had discovered the greatest fast food burger known to man, the Flame Thrower.
The government obviously did not want the people of this country to know about it, because after the burger was advertised, everybody’s minds were erased and no one remembered what a Flame Thrower was. I took a recent poll and only nine percent of the people had ever tasted or even heard of the Flame Thrower…and the only person making up that nine percent was myself.
Even Wendy’s is in on the conspiracy. Why do you think in Stebenville, OH they that built that monstrosity on Sunset Blvd., hiding Dairy Queen, when they already have a restaurant just next door in Wintersville, OH? Because Wendy’s had to build the New Berlin wall to keep the hungry zombies that we are from feasting relentlessly in a joyful, spicy frenzy.
So now, even though I am risking my happy life to tell you this, I will inform you why the Flame Thrower hamburger is one part of the best fast food meal you will ever consume. The basic breakdown is this: two all-American, all-beef patties, whole-leaf lettuce, tomato, spicy jalapeño-flavored bacon, pepper jack cheese, and chipotle mayonnaise spiked with cayenne pepper sauce. Order this burger in a meal with a Pepsi and fries (which you can dip in Bullseye Brand BBQ Sauce) and you have the best fast food meal in North America. I am near speechless. First of all “jalapeño-flavored bacon” is a rare delicacy that you will not find on any other restaurant sandwich. It is only obtained from an endangered species of Argentinean pygmy pigs, which have been fed nothing but jalapeños since birth.
Also, the “chipotle mayonnaise spiked with cayenne pepper sauce” is so much a Turkish delight that men have died for its sake. The late Dr. Mcmasters, a Russian scientist and winner of a Nobel Prize, loved this sauce so much that he attempted to recreate it in his laboratory, but mysteriously turned up deceased the morning after he had completed it. Luckily for us, he posted it on an encrypted website before he died. You can see it at http://www.recipezaar.com/108577. The one drawback to this burning nirvana is that most of our bodies are not accustomed to handling this burger. The first time you attempt one, your stomach acids may rage in a torrent from the burn of the elements, and your heart may flame-up like a wooden birdhouse, but after time your body will adapt. In any case, I could go on for another 500 words about why this is the best fast food burger, but I think I would rather end with a quote from the great Scott Lane, long time employee of Dairy Queen: “It’s a good sandwich.” And what Scott Lane says, goes.

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